September 19th, 2003 -- Ideals and Freedom

"Every man dies, but not every man lives" -- William Wallace

Power, fame and money, the things I've always strived for in my life just as many other people have. I suppose these things are not all bad. Actually, we all probably need some of these three things to survive and perhaps to even lead a comfortable life. Yet where and when do we draw the line and say it is not right to pursue those things?

I suppose there is never a set of rules that tells us when we’ve gone overboard. However, I believe in a good heart that is seeking to do good even when it comes to the brink of death. Sounds idealistic? Yeah, I agree, but the question is why not being idealistic? What good is it for me to stay away from death yet live in days of darkness? Even Jesus said, “What good is it for a man to gain the whole world yet forfeits his soul?” Nevertheless, I’m NOT saying that we should always be idealistic and never change under all circumstances. Let’s face it, certain things are simply just impractical and we know it! And it is important to work around the nature of these things. However, when it comes to what matters in life, I pray that we’d never give up on beliefs that have made us who we are, such as freedom. The freedom that I can love and cherish everything I have; the freedom that I can breathe the air and know how refreshing it is; the freedom that I’m able to show patience, mercy and kindness. And most of all, I believe it is under freedom that all things have meanings to them when pursued.

If one day I were to stand on the tallest mountain and look down at the world yet feel empty; if one day I became the most well-known person yet I cannot influence anyone; if one day I had all the money in the world to spend yet I still hunger for more, then I've done nothing.

It is a scary thought for me to feel numb and cold when hearing one of the most beautiful songs in the world. It's not that I have no feelings at all, but often times it seems to pierce my heart only so far and not any further. I struggle to break through the wall that I seemed to have built over the years without realizing it. I'm not sure what I could do, but I know that I want to change and I want to be different from what I am now. I want to be free from the bondage of anything that is holding me back to taste the fruit of righteousness and greatness. And most of all, I want my freedom to feel the emotions that we as human beings all capable of. I long for a real feeling that springs up from the well of my heart, where my true self dwells. I only pray that one day it will come true and I’d become the man I’ve always wanted to be.

Galation 5-1 For freedom Christ has set us free; stand fast therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

Aleck 6:03 PM

September 11th, 2003 -- burning heart

What is love, I wonder? I've been asking myself almost every night since 433 days ago. All the emotional roller coasters I've been through are just sheer nightmares at times. It's as if life is a circular path. Things just always seem to come back to where it started. Granted, life does getter if one wants it to be, and even if one does not, emotional scars always hurt less over time.

Often times I found myself buried in music, whether listening to it or playing it. It has a kind of freedom that gives me so much longing and courage for life. Or maybe it's like doing drugs,  you have no idea what you got yourself into, but while doing it, you feel like you could live longer. Anyways, I don't expect people to fully see what I'm saying, but it's okay. It's just one of the facts in life; you can never get everyone to see your point of view.

Many times we watched TV or movies and we feel touched by the stories because somewhere deep inside of us we feel like we can identify with them. Often times I let myself drown in the sorrows of tragic-love stories, and I cry deep in my heart. Pretending I was one of them and it actually makes me feel good somehow. But what is it? a type of obsession that I can't get myself to get rid of? perhaps, perhaps not. All I know is that I feel broken inside a lot of times, and I long for a person to care for and to love. Just like the romantic stories, either with the perfect ending, he or she lives happily after or with the tragic ending, he or she will always love her or him forever and ever, maybe even hold out 'til death. As unrealistic as it sounds, aren't many of us hoping that'd be the stories of our lives? We are so complicated, to the extent we don't even understand ourselves half of the time. It seems obvious that we shouldn't throw away everything ( I mean EVERYTHING) just to take the risk to love a person who might not even love us back. However, when the time comes, would we really step back and think what's happening to us? Would we think twice about the consequences of our actions? I pray that we could and we would. I pray that every one of us will be able to come out of the hurt from loving someone. Life's not perfect, but it could be patched. I only hope for the best for anyone who's feeling and thinking about the same thing as I am.

Aleck 5:12 PM

September 8th, 2003 -- A midsummer night's dream

Well, summer surely has gone by really fast. I could hardly remember what happened last week. The fall breeze has also sneaked in my backyard somehow before I noticed it. The sun doesn't seem so angry anymore, and the wind lady has decided to keep her temper down a bit as well. All seems well, even Wesley has sounded much sweeter somehow. It's been a while since I cared for him. Perhaps my negligence has much to say about where I am in life. But I am learning something new every day even if it's just simply the debate between my heart and my mind.  

I was sitting on my bed reading the Two Towers under two moon-like lights. The story has taken a dramatic turn unlike what I had expected. I didn't go as far as burning the book or throw it across the room, but it has certainly made me wonder about Frodo and Sam. Where they will go next, and what shall happen to their journey.

Dreams are funky at times. I woke up this morning thinking about whether things really happened or not in my dream. I guess I was quite confused for a while, but I'm grateful that they never did and I'm alive and well to breath the morning air. 

The coming of autumn brings me a mix of feelings, calmness, sadness, gratefulness, joyousness and nostalgia. Often I just wanna cuddle with someone. Perhaps it's a really selfish feeling, but I once thought it was one of the best thing in the world. Of course that was back in the golden days of my life. Not that I'm an ungrateful prick who only knows how to complain and live in the past, but sometimes when the past has caught up with me, I just don't know where to turn. But I do look forward to tomorrow because I pray that tomorrow will be different. I believe it will wash away the dirt that I've got my hands on yesterday. and today is the day that I'm working on getting rid of it. 

Aleck 1:53 PM

September 2nd, 2003 -- Defense of the Cheeseburger

John Scofield show (Thurs. night the 28th) was absolutely awesome! I'm glad I had 8 people (Steve, Em. J., Julie, Kanaco, Chris, Cynthia and Stephanie) who went with me! I almost didn't think anybody would go with me. Anyways, the rhythm guitar player had a 16''x23'' box full of stunt boxes and a couple of floor boards. On top of that, he's got a computer, which controls a lot of effects, and also a drum machine next to it. The lead guitar player (John Scofield) had two roghly 16''x23'' boxes filled with either stunt boxes or small effect boards. During the show, he would sample his own playing and then play them through the sampler backwards, which was super cool. The greatest thing about the band is that they like to do a lot of effects and is able to do them live. They love to play with a pre-programmed rhythm and play on top of that. Their ability to keep the time is just incredible! I'd go back to watch them anytime (if I have the money)!!!

mmh...well, I was in San Jose on Sunday visiting my friend Christopher and his sister Stephanie. We wanted to go laser-tagging, but it was closed (Or rather, we didn't wanna play with a bunch of high school punks). So we thought we might go see a movie.  We drove by the theater at first to see what's on (I didn't park 'cause I thought we should check out what movies were on first), so Christopher started reading the movie list off the top the of box office building (the letters were kinda small since we were sorta far away). He read, "freaky Friday...Freddie vs. Jason....Pirates of the Caribbean....etc......Defense.....mmh..... of....of.....the....Defense of the Cheeseburger! Well, at this point, Steph and I thought, wow, interesting, what is that movie about!? Anyways, we parked car and decided we should see Freaky Friday. As we were buying the tickets, Steph and I really wondered what the whole Defense of the Cheeseburger was about. So we asked the guy who was selling the ticket. Here's what happened: 

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"Excuse me, what's Defense of the Cheeseburger about?"  

"uh...I'm sorry??"

 "The movie, Defense of the Cheeseburger!" 

"I'm sorry. We don't have that movie." (with the kind of look that basically means that what the hell is wrong with you guys and plus leave me alone, you weirdos!)

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Well, Steph and I pretty much just left with the embarrassing looks on our faces. When I asked Christopher about the movie, he said he didn't know why they didn't have it and he claimed he saw it earlier.

Anyways, after the movie, we went back to the car, I still couldn't get over the whole Cheeseburger thing, so we started talking about it again. So this time! I asked Christopher and said, "Did you really see the title, 'Defense of the Cheeseburger'??" 

Then he finally said, "Well, I couldn't see it (movie titles) very well and I thought I saw something started with Defense, and I just made up the Cheeseburger part because I thought it sounded good."

Yeah.....exactly!! We all got played by Christopher the whole time and made fools out of ourselves. 

Aleck 1:52 PM